Anticipating "Soon"

Do you remember being a kid at Christmas?  Do you remember how you would go to bed as early as possible in the hopes that sleeping would make the morning come faster, only to find that you couldn't sleep, no matter how hard you tried?  I remember being so excited to see what Santa (and my Mom and Dad) had brought me that there were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head on Christmas Eve! 

There aren't very many things that get me that excited anymore.  Even Christmas, which I still get childishly giddy over, has lost some of its sparkle in the years of growing up and my changing family.  

I started thinking about "waiting time" today, and how immeasurably long the hours of Christmas Eve night felt to me as a child.  I was working with a client today who kept asking for her mom to come home.  I kept saying "She'll be home soon," which meant "in a couple of hours".  But to this (very impatient) child, two hours was not "soon".  And this realization brought to mind some of my favorite memories from when I was a kid.  

Two of my favorite times of the year came during the summer and around Christmas when the Ruppel family would pass through from Texas on their way to visit family in Illinois.  The Ruppels were, and still are, my very favorite people on earth.  They are my oldest friends, and I can always count on outrageously fun times being had and great memories being made when our families get together. So as their visits drew closer we would count down the days, anxiously awaiting their arrival.  Then the great day would finally come and it would be spent cleaning the house, making the beds with new sheets and blowing up air mattresses.  (Side Note - John and Joanie are the only people on earth I would happily have given up my bed for.  I hate sleeping on air mattresses or the floor, but if it meant having the Ruppel family in my house, I would have slept on a bed of nails!) The day was spent vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.  But there would invariably come a time in the day when I would ask - "Mom, how much longer?" I just thought I would burst with the waiting!  And she would say - "They'll be here soon." Soon to her was, of course, in a few hours.  That was NOT soon to me!  I think back on it now and realize that my mom must have been frantic to make sure everything was done and perfect for her dear friends' arrival, and a few hours was "soon" to her.  But to me, waiting all day (and sick of cleaning) it just wasn't soon enough.  The thing is though, they always arrived eventually, and then the next day or two was spent soaking up as much of their presence as possible, and it was always over too soon.  That last day would come, and we'd be wishing time would slow down so that the visit didn't have to end.  Its funny how that works. 

I have never been a patient person, and probably never will be, but my idea of when "soon" is has definitely changed as I've gotten older.  I still look forward to visiting the Ruppels every fall (hurry up October!!) and definitely count down the days to Christmas, but it is different.  Now I find myself wishing more often that time would slow down, not speed up.  I'm getting older, and so are the people around me, and I wish that I could slow down time and get a few more things done before 30 gets here, or spend a few more hours with my grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins before they are taken from me, or we grow up and grow apart.  I wish that Zoe, Gabriel and Cameron, Molly and Leah, and Carter would stop growing up so fast.  All of this wishing that time would slow down leads me to realize that what I really need to do is take advantage of the time I DO have.  Be thankful that today I can call any one of my grandparents, my dad, my aunts, uncles, or cousins and tell them that I love them.  Be thankful for the things I have accomplished before I turn 30, and be thankful that turning 30 is not the end of the world. (Although I'll be honest, some days it feels like it might be...) And I will continue to be thankful that my friends share their babies with me, and let me be the best Aunt Kiki I know how to be.  

So... all that is to say this - Although my idea of "soon" has definitely changed as I get older, and my timeline is now measured in months and years instead of hours and days, there is still so much that I look forward to.  And that, I've decided, is what makes life worth living.      

Remembrance and Joy

Today was my day off.  There were several things I could have done today, but instead I decided to sit down and read a few of the Real Simple magazines that tend to pile up around my house.  I wanted to relax, find some recipes that I thought I might actually use, and read some articles.  Reading Real Simple always makes me think of two people - my mom, and my Aunt Goody.  For Valentine's Day in 2007, my mom got me a subscription to Real Simple as a gift.  I was finally an adult, living in Cincinnati all on my own, and Real Simple is the kind of magazine written to help organize the adult life.  My mom knew I needed that.  :)  I did not receive my first issue from that subscription until I returned to Cincinnati after my mom's funeral.  I remember sitting on the floor in my apartment holding a package from a friend of a book entitled "Motherless Daughters" in one hand, and holding my first issue of Real Simple, with a tag that said "A gift from Leslie Bruce", in the other hand, and thinking "this is a perfect snapshot of before and after."  That year, every month, I got a gift in the mail from my mommy.  It never failed to make me cry, but it also was so comforting to me.  But when the year ended, I couldn't bring myself to renew my subscription myself, no matter how sad I was to see it end.  So my dear Aunt Goody, who loves Real Simple almost as much as she loves me and loved my mom, renewed the subscription for me. And has continued to do that for me each year since.  I'm not sure she will ever really realize how much that means to me.  

So today was a day of enriching my life.  I read some really great articles, and found some recipes that I'm going to make A eat and critique.  I learned useless facts that I found fascinating, and in general renewed my spirit.  And there, on almost every page, I found my mom.  In the article on de-stressing that suggests regularly drinking black tea to induce feelings of relaxation.  In the suggestion that half of the fun of shopping was seeking out the deals, bringing them home, and showing them off (Antiquing, anyone?).  And in the article on loss that reminded me that its ok to still have days like this one.  

I thinking about my mom I began thinking about who I am today and how she would feel about it.  I like to think that I'm making her proud.  I'm a bit of a mess these days, but I'm finding a direction that I have peace with, and I think that would make her happy.  I know myself better and am working towards becoming a woman who is a good friend and good citizen. I love a man who loves me back, and I think my mom would be able to see past the (somewhat unexpected) package that he comes in to the glow that he gives me, the happiness and fulfillment he has brought to my life.  I like to think that my happiness is what mattered most to her.  

I sure do miss my mom.  But I sit, with a cup of tea and my Real Simple magazine, and I can feel her sitting beside me.  And that brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my face. 

La Vie en Rose-Colored Glasses

I'm going to start off with a confession.  I love Oprah.  I wish she was my friend.  I love her activism in human rights and I love the fact that for Christmas she gives her friends books as gifts.  I love that she is sometimes overweight, a couple of times underweight, and always honest about her struggle.  I love that when I watch her TV show, she makes me feel like her girlfriend, like I could call her up and ask for help and she'd give it in a heartbeat.  I think I would have cried the day her show went off the air if I didn't know she now has her OWN network (see what I did there?), and I can always read her magazine.  Which brings me to the subject of this blog.  Waxing eloquent on my love for Oprah was simply a digression.  :)
Last week I read an article in the September issue of O Magazine.  Its title? In Praise of Rose-Colored Glasses. What I found so wonderful about this article was its encouragement to the optimists in the world.  I try (and sometimes fail, I'll be honest) to be a "glass-half-full" kind of girl.  I choose not to be a doom and gloom, "the world is ending and there's nothing I can do about it" kind of girl. I'm incapable of giving up hope on love, hope for the human condition, hope that life will turn out as I dream it will.  And this article is saying its that kind of thinking that leads to change in the world. The author, Martha Beck, calls it becoming a "walking cyclone of peace".  She says "the repercussions of one person living in a stubborn acceptance of gladness are incalculably positive."  
So after reading this article (which you should read!) I've decided to take a note from the author and add 5 Bright Spots in my day to the end of every post for the foreseeable future.  Its my little way off reminding myself and you that even when life gets discouraging, and it seems like the world is going to hell in a hand basket, there is still sunshine to be found.  And if I find it and share it with you, then it gets brighter and maybe, just maybe, we can change the world.  
Bright Spots for Today:
1. Coffee and Kathy Riechs - the best way to start my day
2. I found a third roommate and don't have to worry (so much) about money anymore.
3. Jesus loves me.  Always a bright spot.
4. I'm making a new friend who is able and willing to encourage me in my new "wheel life"
5. The weather was not over 100degrees today.  Praise Jesus!

I leave you with this poem by Jack Gilbert, also quoted in the article I read.  I think it is beautiful.  It doesn't deny that the world is ugly, but simply reminds us that it is beautiful too, and even those who are suffering more than you and I find reasons to laugh.  I encourage you to start viewing the world with slightly more rosy glasses.  Choose to find joy and then share it. 

“A Brief for the Defense”
Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.

 

God is the Other Goose

My dear "Sister-by-choice", Andrea, got married on Friday night at a beautiful ceremony under a tent in Washington, MO.  She was, of course, gorgeous in a dress fit for the (Disney) princess that she is :)  
Now I'll admit - I love a good wedding as much as any girl who has been planning her own wedding since she was 10.  But it was slightly hot and humid outside, and my mind was tending to wander during this lovely event. (Sorry sis, but its true!) However, when the officiant began talking about geese, I started listening.  Wait a minute - did I miss something?  What is this about geese?  Isn't this a wedding?...  
Tuning back in, here's what the pastor was saying - 
Geese always fly in a flock.  They create a routine - they fly south for winter, come back north in summer.  They fly the same route every year, often stopping at the same places season after season.  As they fly in their famous "V" formation, the geese in the back honk at the geese in the front, encouraging them on.  Point #1 - in your marriage, it is important to always fly together, staying on the same side, and to always communicate with each other, "honking" encouragement at each other through the tough times.  Ok... he really had my attention now.  

Moving on with this analogy, the pastor began talking about what happens when a goose gets injured or sick and must separate from the rest of the group.  Geese fly by a strict "no man left behind" philosophy.  If one goose falls back, two other geese always join it, and stay with it until it is ready to catch up to the rest of the flock.  Now, the pastor made a point of saying that geese mate for life, and one of the two geese that stay behind with the injured goose is almost always its mate.  But who is the lucky goose that gets to play third wheel to this happy couple?  Point #2 - Now, of course the whole "mate-for-life" scenario is a point.  Marriage is intended by our great Father to last forever.  And its supposed to be hard work, but to also be rewarding.  We, as the geese in nature, are also supposed to mate for life.  But that is not what I found so moving about this scenario.  
Moving on to point #3 - Now that third goose might just be the male goose's best friend, or the wifey goose's mama, but in the great analogy that the pastor drew, he made this connection - GOD is the third goose.  When your marriage faces tough times and one or both of you have to fall back, you're never left alone.  There is always that third goose there, watching over you, encouraging you to get well and get back in the flight.  God is an integral part of any marriage, and without Him, most marriages are doomed to failure.  

That analogy (surprisingly enough) really spoke to my heart.  Even though I spent Friday evening celebrating Andrea and Jon, Friday during the day I spent celebrating a year with A.  It hasn't been easy, and anyone who knows our situation knows that it won't get any easier, but I'm beginning to fully realize how important it is for us to find ourselves a Christian community to get involved with.  Because when it comes down to it, no matter how much we love each other, no matter how much I enjoy his company and we make each other laugh, without a firm foundation, we WILL fail.  So.... I'm making a promise to myself to put more effort into finding us a place to belong.  
I guess I should thank Andrea, Jon, and their pastor for this epiphany.  And I know I'll never look at geese flying in formation without being reminded of that happy goose couple and their third wheel.  God, the other goose.  

New Beginnings and Celebrations

So my life the last year has undergone more changes than I could have ever seen coming.  I fell in love with a wonderful man, and that was the beginning of it all.  We're celebrating a year together on Friday, Monday I'm starting another new job, and in thinking about everything that has changed in the last year, these are the things I think about the most. 

1. I will never regret choosing A over my job, but some days, I really miss the world of Child Life.  One thing I'm learning is that part of my identity was wrapped up in being a CLS, and I'm having to find a new piece of myself in my new path.  Its hard work, but I think I'm going to like who I am when I'm done.

2. The world is not as handicap accessible as the government wants us to think.  My boyfriend can not get into my house, my grandparents' house (one set anyway), and many other places that I've always taken for granted climbing the stairs into.  But what I've loved about becoming so aware of stairs, is all of the many people in my life who have made a special point of coming to me and saying "I checked, and Albert can totally get into my house."  When Missy and Stephan bought their new house in Springfield, the first thing Missy said to me was "And the great thing is, if you guys ever come visit, A can totally get into our house!" My loving Aunt Kerry (who lives all the way in Louisville, KY) said the same thing about her house, and my good friend Lauren has insisted I bring A to her house-warming party.  My dear sister-by-choice Andrea made a point of making sure I knew her wedding/reception would be accessible.  All of this is to say, for every frustrating situation we find ourselves in, when I go somewhere and have to leave my date at home, there is someone else who is pouring out love to us and reminding us we're not fighting the world of walkers alone.

3. I will never again take for granted being able to pick up and go wherever I want, whenever I want.  I will never again take for granted being able to get up out of bed when I want to, dress myself, shower by myself, and make myself a sandwich.  Every day I am awed at the way my man handles his new life with grace and poise.  He continues to teach me so much about what it really means to have patience, and I hope that I can extend as much grace to the people in my life as he extends to those in his, including me. :)

Those are the top three for today.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll share a few more of the things I've learned this year.  There are many learning experience to be had, living wheel life. 

Getting to know you... or me, that is.

I'm not sure how to begin this.... 

I decided to start writing a blog more for myself than for anyone else.  I've never been a great journaler, though I love to write.  I'm hoping the accountability of having someone else waiting to read my writing will make me more likely to write regularly.  I want to have a chronicle of my daily life - things that I rejoice over, things that make me sad, things that I learn, etc.  I'm hoping that my readers can lend me wisdom and encouragement, and that perhaps I can share my lessons with you, so that you don't have "live and learn" by experience.  I'm hoping that a year from now I can look back and read what I've written and see where I've come from.  And hopefully, see that I've grown.  

And now.... 

Welcome to Wheel Life!