Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving, and in the spirit of being thankful, I thought I'd share with you all the many many blessings I am thankful for this year.  Let me just say before I start that I am sure that I will forget something, as I am so incredibly blessed, but I will list as much as I can at the moment....

1.  I am thankful for my Daddy.  He is the most amazing father a girl could ask for, and as we were discussing just this morning, great dads are hard to find.  He has been so patient with me through the last few years as I've wandered from job to job and tried to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and I appreciate so much his unconditional love for me.  

2.  Along those same lines, I am thankful for my step-mom.  She has made my daddy so incredibly happy after losing my mama, and I will always be thankful to her for that.  I am also thankful for her patience with me as I try to acclimate myself to this new family and new life that I never expected to have.  I am thankful that I am growing to love her, and that she is growing to love me.  And I pray that that continues for many more years. 

3.  As I look towards my 5th holiday season without my mommy, I am thankful for the wonderful life that she lead, and the wonderful relationship we had.  I am thankful for the woman she raised me to be, and for the 23 years I had with her.  

4.  I am thankful that at 28 years old I am still able to enjoy time with all of my grandparents.  I am thankful that I get to have dinner with them regularly, and that I truly enjoy my time with them.  I am thankful that they are all in (relatively) good health, and that I have many more years of good memories to celebrate with them.  

5.  I am thankful for the Ruppel family.  I can honestly say that they are 7 reasons why I have survived the last five years.  I am thankful for the summer I got to live in their home and really get to know Daddy John and Mama Joanie.  And for the 5 extra siblings I have in Chris, Bebba, KT, Nick, and Zoe-girl.  My oldest and dearest friends.

6.  I am thankful for my sister-in-law, Missy.  She came into our family so easily, and loves my (sometimes difficult) brother unconditionally.  She is by far one of my best friends.  I look forward to her phone calls and spending time with her.  I can't imagine our family or my life without her, and I am so thankful that my brother chose his wife so brilliantly. 

7.  I am thankful for a great group of friends that support me and lift me up and have loved me through many stages in my life. Friends from childhood (Jilly-bean!), high school (Liz, Emily, Brianne, Andrea, Krystal), College (My Megs!), Cincinnati (Tricia and Robyn), and newer friends like Shashy, Boo, Kate, and Rhonda - I am so blessed.  God sent you all to me for a reason, and I could never thank him enough.  

8.  I am thankful for this new journey I am embarking on.  I am thankful to have finally found a career path that I am sooooo excited about.  To feel like I am finally using the brain that God blessed me with.  I am looking forward to finally being challenged and working hard and seeing a result.  I am thankful to know that I will be making a difference in so many lives.  I am thankful that God never gave up on me, and never stopped leading me, even when I wasn't paying attention.  

9.  I am thankful for my "nieces" and "nephews" and my God-son.  I don't see them as much as I would like to, but each of them - Molly, Leah, Gabriel, Cameron, and Carter - has been a huge blessing to me.  I look forward to continuing to watch them grow and learn and to be awed by how amazing they all are.  And I look forward to loving Baby Reagan like my own as well! 

10.  Last but DEFINITELY not least - I am thankful for A.  I am thankful to have a found a man who loves me as I have always wanted to be loved.  I am thankful to be able to love him and to be myself and to be cherished for who I am.  I am thankful for what he is teaching me about love, and life, and myself.  I am thankful that at the end of the day, next to him is ALWAYS where I want to be.  I am thankful for his support of my desire to go to med school and become a doctor.  I am thankful for the future we are dreaming of together, and the life we are building right now.  He inspires me every day with his patience and perseverance, and I can't imagine loving anyone more than I love him.  

That is the Top 10.  I'm sure if I sat here long enough, I would come up with at least 10 more things to be thankful for.  I didn't mention my aunts and uncles and cousins, my health, my home, or TCU football - all things that I am extremely thankful for as well :)  But on this day when we pause to say "Thank you" to a God that created each of us and loves us unendingly and unconditionally - I wanted to take a moment to write it down.  Because I have been incredibly blessed, and I don't ever want to forget that.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

Step 1.... and Baby Fever.

So in case you haven't heard - I got accepted to the Post-Bacc Premed program I applied to!  Yay!  That is step 1 in the long list of steps that will eventually lead to me becoming a doctor.  Step 2 - get good grades in said Post-Bacc program.  Step 3 - get a good score on the MCATs.  Step 4 - Apply to Med school.  Step 5 - Get lots of interviews and really knock their socks off! Step 6 - Get accepted to so many med schools I have trouble deciding between them, but eventually pick one! 

That is as far as my brain will take me for now..... there are so many steps after that as well.  

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what I want to specialize in.  I've always said pediatrics (obviously) because I really love working with children and I already have so much experience working in children's hospitals.  I gave lots of thought to specializing in Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation, which tends to be the doctors who treat patients post-Spinal Cord Injury or Traumatic Brain Injury, but I think I've decided that treating SCI all day at work, and then coming home to my WONDERFUL (future) husband and living with SCI might increase my likelihood of burnout.  So back to Peds it is.  

Except.... recently it seems that I have come to the stage in my life when all of my friends have baby fever.  And not just "Oh, we've been married for a while and now we're trying to conceive" kind of baby fever.  One of my good friend from high school did it that way and just had her sweet baby girl yesterday (yay Liz and Brian!  Welcome Reagan!), but the rest of my friends with baby fever right now seem to be going about things the non-traditional way.  My college roommate just had (healthy) triplets.  A good friend from Cincinnati is undergoing artificial insemination to try to conceive and be a single mother by choice (kudos to you R!).  A friend of mine who's husband is also a quad just underwent IVF and a miscarriage.  I share all of this to get to this point - Babies make me happy.  Pregnancy is fascinating to me.  I am enthralled by the miracle that is a woman becoming pregnant.  And being a woman who dreams of having children and knows that it will not be an easy road for A and me, my heart goes out to my friends who are facing these same issues.  And so I consider - could I find a home in Reproductive Endocrinology?  I think I would find joy in helping women and couples become parents who would otherwise be unable to.  I know I find the female reproductive system fascinating and the process of pregnancy enthralling.  And it is sooooo satisfying to me when you finally see that long awaited sweet baby in the arms of a parent who has waited and wept and hoped and prayed for this little life.  And to know that I had a part in making that dream come true, that God blessed me with that ability - I think that would be such a blessing.  So.... yeah.  I'm considering Reproductive Endocrinology.  Studying Gynecology is the only draw back to this plan.... As much as I like the Obstetrics part of the female system, I can't say that treating STDs and giving PAP smears appeals to me in the least.  And everyone knows the cost of malpractice insurance for an OB/Gyn is astronomical.  So I guess we'll see.  I have a long time until I have to choose.  I just wanted to share a piece of my journey, and see if anyone out there would like to weigh in with their opinion.  

Keep Looking Until You Find It. Don't Settle.

Everyone knows by now that Steve Jobs died a little over a week ago. (If you don't know who Steve Jobs is, I'm sad for you.)  In watching all of the coverage of his death, I saw a recording of his commencement speech at Stanford University in 2005.  I have recently been wrestling with a big, life-changing decision, and while watching the video of Steve's speech, I made my decision.  He really spoke to me.  So the purpose of this post is two-fold.  I want to share Mr. Jobs' inspiring words with you, and also to tell you about the new path I have decided to travel down. 

Here is the first part of Steve Jobs' speech I wanted to share. 
"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

Now, I am a very fortunate girl to have found a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me, and have not had to settle in that respect AT ALL. And I loved being a Child Life Specialist, don't get me wrong, but I have never felt as though I am using all of my potential.  I was blessed with a brain that learns and remembers quickly and easily, and I have never challenged it.  And I have recently begun to realize that I am disappointed in myself.  And I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of settling for second best.  I want to feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  Because I've found the right man, and now I want to find the right job.  Because Steve is right - my work will fill a large part of my life, and I want to love it.

Here's the second part of the speech I wanted to share:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

So here's the thing - I have asked the most important people in my life for advice in this, and most of them have encouraged me in my new direction (which I promise, I'm going to share in a second...).  But in the end, I am listening to the little voice in my heart that is telling me that I have finally found my calling.  I am listening to my own heart, and no one else's.  I will be me, and happily.  

So here's the great announcement - I've decided to become a doctor.  I am going to use my love of medicine, my love of children, and my great brain to find a career that satisfies me and makes a difference in the world.  And I'm super excited about it.  It is going to be a long road full of hard work and little social life, but I believe it will be worth it.  And it will be the first time in my life that I've been truly challenged, and that thrills me. 

I would appreciate your prayers as I undertake this new life path.  I know it won't be easy, and there are definitely still some kinks to work out, but I feel so at peace with this decision. 

I guess I want to say thanks to Steve Jobs, wherever he is, for his wise words.  And I will steal his closing -
Stay Hungry.  Stay Foolish. 

(If you would like to read or watch the whole speech, here is the link: http://articles.businessinsider.com/2011-10-06/tech/30249828_1_college-tuition-calligraphy-adoption )

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

You may be thinking "The most wonderful time of the year? Well, that's Christmas!" but you would be wrong.  At least in my book.  I think October is quite possibly the most beautiful gift that God has ever given me, and it happens every year!  Wondering what my reasons are?  Here's a list....
1. Baseball and Football at the same time!  - Two of my favorite things, and this is the only month when you can find them both.  The Cardinals in the playoffs, and TCU football, and the ever present hope that the Rams will one day win a game makes October wonderful.  
2.  Fall is finally here!  - The weather is cooler, but not so cold that I have to wear a sweatshirt all the time.  I get to drive with the top down on my car, and sleep with the windows open.  The leaves are beautiful and the world feels like its shedding its old self in the hopes of remaking itself into something better.  I always find fall inspiring! And, side note, its the only time of the year I enjoy nature (even a little bit).

3. Pumpkin - Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bagels, pumpkin coffee creamer, Ted Drewes Pumpkin Pie Concrete, Pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies.... well, you get the picture.  I LOVE pumpkin!

4.  My birthday - I still love my birthday, no matter how old I get.  I love the excuse to pamper myself, the excuse to celebrate.  I love the chance to reevaluate my life and see where I was last year and how far I've come.  I love getting to see my family (This year, the Ruppels!!!) and be surrounded by people I love and who love me.  

So... Perhaps I haven't convinced you, but I just wanted to share my extreme love for the month of October.  I promise that for the majority of this month you will find me in the morning sipping hot coffee laced with pumpkin pie creamer, eating a pumpkin bagel, and enjoying the view of the changing leaves; In the evening cheering on the Cards, or the Horned Frogs, or the Rams, and always thanking God for his yearly birthday gift to me - October. 

Love

This, just to warn you, will most likely be a sappy post.  

I spent this last weekend celebrating the marriage of my dear friend Tricia, to Aaron, a wonderful man who is so perfectly suited to Tricia, I know only God could have fit them together.  At their wedding I read a poem from an old book of poetry that belonged to Tricia's grandpa.  The poem is so beautiful, I tear up every time I read it.  Many people at the wedding told me that they did the same.  My new friend Meghana, one of the bridesmaids, told me after the ceremony that she couldn't even glance in her husband's direction the entire time I was reading because she found the poem so moving.  Here it is: 

“Love” 

by Roy Croft

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
love means,
After all.

Tricia and Aaron changed the wording at the end a little, and I reflected that change here.  I like it better (No offense to Mr. Croft).  

This poem makes me think of A because I think it describes perfectly how I feel about him.  I love him because of the wonderful man that he is, his strength of character, his patience, his work ethic, his motivation, his sense of humor... I could go on forever.  But I also love him for the woman he is helping me to be.  He makes me good, he makes me laugh, he teaches me patience, he teaches me about sacrifice, about selflessness, about humbleness and about love because he embodies all these things.  He has made of my sad, empty life a song.  He is helping me to build something useful out of the great big scrap heap my life used to be.  He took the time to see past my white middle-class incompatibilities to the girl I am underneath, and he loves her.  And that makes me love her too.  And love him even more.  

So there - I warned you it would be sappy.  But this weekend left me in a sappy kind of mood.  And I just wanted to tell the world how grateful I am to be living wheel life with A. 

Anticipating "Soon"

Do you remember being a kid at Christmas?  Do you remember how you would go to bed as early as possible in the hopes that sleeping would make the morning come faster, only to find that you couldn't sleep, no matter how hard you tried?  I remember being so excited to see what Santa (and my Mom and Dad) had brought me that there were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head on Christmas Eve! 

There aren't very many things that get me that excited anymore.  Even Christmas, which I still get childishly giddy over, has lost some of its sparkle in the years of growing up and my changing family.  

I started thinking about "waiting time" today, and how immeasurably long the hours of Christmas Eve night felt to me as a child.  I was working with a client today who kept asking for her mom to come home.  I kept saying "She'll be home soon," which meant "in a couple of hours".  But to this (very impatient) child, two hours was not "soon".  And this realization brought to mind some of my favorite memories from when I was a kid.  

Two of my favorite times of the year came during the summer and around Christmas when the Ruppel family would pass through from Texas on their way to visit family in Illinois.  The Ruppels were, and still are, my very favorite people on earth.  They are my oldest friends, and I can always count on outrageously fun times being had and great memories being made when our families get together. So as their visits drew closer we would count down the days, anxiously awaiting their arrival.  Then the great day would finally come and it would be spent cleaning the house, making the beds with new sheets and blowing up air mattresses.  (Side Note - John and Joanie are the only people on earth I would happily have given up my bed for.  I hate sleeping on air mattresses or the floor, but if it meant having the Ruppel family in my house, I would have slept on a bed of nails!) The day was spent vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes and cleaning the bathrooms.  But there would invariably come a time in the day when I would ask - "Mom, how much longer?" I just thought I would burst with the waiting!  And she would say - "They'll be here soon." Soon to her was, of course, in a few hours.  That was NOT soon to me!  I think back on it now and realize that my mom must have been frantic to make sure everything was done and perfect for her dear friends' arrival, and a few hours was "soon" to her.  But to me, waiting all day (and sick of cleaning) it just wasn't soon enough.  The thing is though, they always arrived eventually, and then the next day or two was spent soaking up as much of their presence as possible, and it was always over too soon.  That last day would come, and we'd be wishing time would slow down so that the visit didn't have to end.  Its funny how that works. 

I have never been a patient person, and probably never will be, but my idea of when "soon" is has definitely changed as I've gotten older.  I still look forward to visiting the Ruppels every fall (hurry up October!!) and definitely count down the days to Christmas, but it is different.  Now I find myself wishing more often that time would slow down, not speed up.  I'm getting older, and so are the people around me, and I wish that I could slow down time and get a few more things done before 30 gets here, or spend a few more hours with my grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins before they are taken from me, or we grow up and grow apart.  I wish that Zoe, Gabriel and Cameron, Molly and Leah, and Carter would stop growing up so fast.  All of this wishing that time would slow down leads me to realize that what I really need to do is take advantage of the time I DO have.  Be thankful that today I can call any one of my grandparents, my dad, my aunts, uncles, or cousins and tell them that I love them.  Be thankful for the things I have accomplished before I turn 30, and be thankful that turning 30 is not the end of the world. (Although I'll be honest, some days it feels like it might be...) And I will continue to be thankful that my friends share their babies with me, and let me be the best Aunt Kiki I know how to be.  

So... all that is to say this - Although my idea of "soon" has definitely changed as I get older, and my timeline is now measured in months and years instead of hours and days, there is still so much that I look forward to.  And that, I've decided, is what makes life worth living.      

Remembrance and Joy

Today was my day off.  There were several things I could have done today, but instead I decided to sit down and read a few of the Real Simple magazines that tend to pile up around my house.  I wanted to relax, find some recipes that I thought I might actually use, and read some articles.  Reading Real Simple always makes me think of two people - my mom, and my Aunt Goody.  For Valentine's Day in 2007, my mom got me a subscription to Real Simple as a gift.  I was finally an adult, living in Cincinnati all on my own, and Real Simple is the kind of magazine written to help organize the adult life.  My mom knew I needed that.  :)  I did not receive my first issue from that subscription until I returned to Cincinnati after my mom's funeral.  I remember sitting on the floor in my apartment holding a package from a friend of a book entitled "Motherless Daughters" in one hand, and holding my first issue of Real Simple, with a tag that said "A gift from Leslie Bruce", in the other hand, and thinking "this is a perfect snapshot of before and after."  That year, every month, I got a gift in the mail from my mommy.  It never failed to make me cry, but it also was so comforting to me.  But when the year ended, I couldn't bring myself to renew my subscription myself, no matter how sad I was to see it end.  So my dear Aunt Goody, who loves Real Simple almost as much as she loves me and loved my mom, renewed the subscription for me. And has continued to do that for me each year since.  I'm not sure she will ever really realize how much that means to me.  

So today was a day of enriching my life.  I read some really great articles, and found some recipes that I'm going to make A eat and critique.  I learned useless facts that I found fascinating, and in general renewed my spirit.  And there, on almost every page, I found my mom.  In the article on de-stressing that suggests regularly drinking black tea to induce feelings of relaxation.  In the suggestion that half of the fun of shopping was seeking out the deals, bringing them home, and showing them off (Antiquing, anyone?).  And in the article on loss that reminded me that its ok to still have days like this one.  

I thinking about my mom I began thinking about who I am today and how she would feel about it.  I like to think that I'm making her proud.  I'm a bit of a mess these days, but I'm finding a direction that I have peace with, and I think that would make her happy.  I know myself better and am working towards becoming a woman who is a good friend and good citizen. I love a man who loves me back, and I think my mom would be able to see past the (somewhat unexpected) package that he comes in to the glow that he gives me, the happiness and fulfillment he has brought to my life.  I like to think that my happiness is what mattered most to her.  

I sure do miss my mom.  But I sit, with a cup of tea and my Real Simple magazine, and I can feel her sitting beside me.  And that brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my face.